Music I can’t help but continue to listen to. It’s awesome!

Giants win!!!!! That was such a extremely close game! Wow! This is awesome!

I’ve was just thinking about something I heard about our economy. Idk if the person was serious or not but I actually think its a bit true. Our economy was never made to help pay for a lot of retired people. Yea a couple years ago we could do it but death came around what 65-75 maybe? But now you can live to 90 and still be ready to continue to live for another couple of years if your healthy. I’m not saying we need to put down old people as that would be very radical. All I’m saying is if humanity is getting close to the achievement of immortality maybe we should stop. We aren’t prepared as a species for it and we’re most definitely not ready for its population increase and the economic damage it could do would be bad. But then again all of this is “what ifs” as there are a lot of different things to consider. Something to think about.

So I was walking down the hallway, I was pretty depressed thinking about all this stuff. Next moment my chest feels like its leaning down and my heart feels really heavy…almost like a boulder. I couldnt walk correctly the entire time I felt like that. It sucked

I’m so lonely right now, I’d do anything to have someone to talk to.

Well I’m still tired and feel like crap. Also I’m feeling uncertain, confused, and finding it extremely difficult to concentrate. Damn, I think I’m in love but it’s so confusing to me. Either way it’s bad. If I do love her it doesn’t really matter she has a 4yr boyfriend, but he makes her happy so I guess I can’t really complain. I’m just tired of repeating the same feelings I have everyday, and then complaining. Guess you can’t help who you are, can’t say I like who I am though 😒

I finally finished a big project or at least this weeks. I’m so wiped from staying up all night, can’t wait to just relax and sleep 😓

Went to a great party today with friends. Meet some new people, it was fun. But I still had this empty feeling inside of me. Almost everyone had a person to be with except for me. Being lonely is true hell.

My mind is moving as slowly as it can. Trying to obtain every possibility of what might happen. Every detail being taken into account. I try to be as accurate as I can be, but pure emotionless logic is hard to come by in a situation like this. I can’t help but think about our past and the happiness she unknowingly brought to me. How I’ve cared for her without hesitation, constantly thinking about the problems she’s told me. Yet in these past moments everything started to change. I became to attached and now I might lose her to stupid emotional mistakes.

All I want is someone to care about me. Yet my true personality drives them away. It can’t be helped I guess I barely understand the real me, but I know what happens when I get too close. It’s about to happen now. But she’s too important to me, the first person I’ve come to love.

So this is what it’s like to make a life changing decision. Knowing that one mistake will end it all, the amount of emotion running through my head is baffling too me. Anger, fear, nervousness, loneliness, jealousy, regret, and most of all sadness. It all feels like my fault, I want to say it a little bit of hers too but that would be a lie, or it at least feels like it. If only I wasn’t the person I am. Things would be different, I’d have some who’d love me and I’d love back, instead of pushing people away.

I guess it’s time to make my choices and see where they take me. To be honest I’m so scared of what might happen I’m tearing up a bit thinking about it. That dreadful feeling when you’ve lost the one person you could have talked to. The loneliness…

One of the worst days of my life. I find out that everything I thought I was is a lie. Everything my teachers, friends, and parents told me was a complete and utter lie. Also my best friend who I care for extremely deeply doesn’t care about me at all. I’m even giving her time to prove that she does, yet she hasn’t even tried to talk to me.

It’s always a surprise when you open your eyes a little wider, if it’s bad or good well I guess that depends on what new things your seeing and what kind of person you are.